英语小笑话
1、When Do People Talk Least? Student A: When do people talk least? Student B: In February. Student A: Why? Student B: Because February is the shortest month of a year.
人们什么时候说话最少？学生甲：人们在什么时候说话最少？学生乙：在二月。学生甲：为什么呢?学生乙：因为二月是一年中最短的一个月。
2、Father: Jack, why do you drink so much water? Jack: I have just had an apple, Dad. Father: What's that got to do with it? Jack: I forgot to wash the apple.
爸爸：杰克，你干嘛喝这么多水呀？杰克：我刚才吃了个苹果，爸爸。爸爸：可是这跟喝水有什么关系呢？杰克：我忘了洗苹果呀。
3、Once there was a blind. One day when he was walking, he stepped the head of the dog who was sleeping. The dog barked for a while. The blind man went on for miles, this time he stepped the other dog's tail, so this dog barked. The blind man had thought that it was the first dog, so he said in surprise, It's a wonder that the dog is so long.
从前有个瞎子。一天，他正在行路时踩着了一只正在睡觉的狗的脑袋，狗汪汪汪地叫了一阵。这人又往前走，这回踩着的是另外一只狗的尾巴，狗又汪汪汪地叫起来。瞎子以为还是那条狗，惊诧地说：奇怪，这只狗可真够长的。
4、The plural Form of Child Teacher: What is the plural of man, Tom? Tom: Men.Teacher: Good. And the plural of child? Tom: Twins.
老师：汤姆，男人这个词的复数形式是什么？汤姆：男人们。老师：答得好。那孩子的复数形式呢?汤姆：双胞胎。
5、My family is just like a nation, Mr. Brown told his colleague. Mywife is the minister of finance, my mother-in-law is the minister of war,and my daughter is foreign secretary.Sounds interesting, his colleague replied. And what is your position?"I’m the people. All I do is pay.
布朗先生告诉同事说：我的家简直就象一个国家一样。我妻子是财政部长。我岳母是作战部长，我女儿是外交秘书。听上去挺有意思的，他的同事说，那你的职务是什么呢？我就是老百姓。我要做的一切就是付钱。
6、On the way home after watching a ballet performance, the kindergarten teacher asked her students what they thought of it. The smallest girl in the class said she wished the dancers were taller so that they would not have to stand on their toes all the time.
在观看完芭蕾舞表演回家的路上，幼儿园老师问学生的观后感。班上最小的女孩说，她希望舞蹈演员可以长得更高一点儿，那么他们就不用整天踮着脚尖了。
7、One day in class, the teacher assigned his students to write a composition – if I Am a Manager. All the students began to write except a boy. The teacher went to him and asked the reason. I am waiting for my secretary, was the boy’s answer.
一天课上，老师要同学们以如果我是一个经理为题写一篇作文。所有的学生都在动笔写了，只有一个男生例外。老师走过去问他为什么不写。我在等我的秘书。那孩子答道。
8、One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads, see how the farms looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living. The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree. The city man said to the farmer, I see that your pig likes apples, but isn"t that quite a waste of time? The farmer replied,What"s time to a pig?
一天，有一个城市里的游客来到一个小乡村，在乡间路上开着车，想看看农庄是什么样子，也想看看农夫怎样种田过日子。这位城里人看见一位农夫在宅后的草地 上，手中抱着一头猪，并把它举得高高的，好让它能够吃到树上的苹果。城里人对农夫说，我看你的猪挺喜欢吃苹果的，但是，这不是很浪费时间吗？那位农夫 回答说，时间对猪有什么意义？
9、The man in the prison asked a new comer why he was sent there. The new comer answered: I am out of luck, I think. A few days ago I was walking in the street when I saw a piece of dirty rope. I thought nobody wanted it and so I picked it up and took it home.
But it is not against the law to pick up a piece of rope and take home!"
I told you I had bad luck, didn't I?the man sighed, "The trouble is that I didn't notice there was an ox at the other end of that rope.
在监狱里，一个人问新来的犯人为什么被关进来。新来的犯人回答说：我想我真是倒霉。几天前我在街上走的时候，看到一根脏绳子，以为没人要了，便捡起来带了回家。
但是，捡一根绳子带回家并不犯法啊！（经典笑话 www.geyan123.cn）我告诉过你我倒霉了吧？那个人叹了口气，麻烦的就是我没有注意到绳子的那一头还有一头公牛。
10、When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources. Since I've been with the firm for so long,he said, I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation.
The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter the next day. The following morning, Peters found a letter on his desk. It read, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for 11 years.When he left us, we were very satisfied.
彼得斯听说自己被解雇了，便去见人力资源部的头头。既然我在公司干了这么久，他说，我想至少该给我一封推荐信。
人力资源部主任同意了，并说他第二天就可拿到该信。第二天早上，彼得斯在他的桌子上看一封信，上面写道：乔纳森彼得斯在我们公司干了11年。当他离去的时候，我们很满意。
11、A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from a jewelry store. Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?
The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, This is a little more than I intended to spend.
一个小偷在一家珠宝店企图偷走一只手表的时候被当场擒获。听着，小偷说，我知道你们也不想惹麻烦。我把这只表买下，然后我们就当什么也没发生，你看怎样？
经理表示同意，然后列了一张售货单。小偷看着单子说道：这比我最初的预算稍稍高了一点，你们还有没有便宜一点儿东西。
12、When a group of women got on the car, every seat was already occupied. The conductor noticed a man who seemed to be asleep, and fearing he might miss his stop, he nudged him and said: "Wake up, sir!
I wasn't asleep, the man answered.
Not asleep? But you had your eyes closed.
I know. I just hate to look at ladies standing up beside me in a crowded car.
当一群妇女上车之后，车上的座位全都被占满了。售票员注意到一名男子好象是睡着了，他担心这个人会坐过站，就用肘轻轻地碰了碰他，说：先生，醒醒！
我没有睡着。那个男人回答。
没睡着？可是你眼睛都闭上了呀？
我知道，我只是不愿意看到在拥挤的车上有女士站在我身边而已。
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